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January 15th, 2009

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January 14th, 2009

07:32 pm ~To trust you means to tear down walls, Walls that were never meant to exist.  To smile at the sound of your voice means to break promises made to myself long long ago.  To hold onto you, means to risk letting go of every safety net I've ever created.  But, to love you, means to feel the great bliss of knowing forever might be with you.~ So, okay, forever is not with you.  But I want it to be!  I wish it was!  Why can't it be?  Why can't you see that I'm the one for you.  Why can't you see that I, without a doubt, love the crap out of you?  *sigh*  I love you.  I love you.  I LOVE YOU! Monica  <3 Current Mood: pensive Current Music: Casting Crowns Tags: forever, heartbreak, love

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November 30th, 2008

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September 12th, 2008

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August 28th, 2008

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August 20th, 2008

08:56 pm i'm tired of people trying to sway me.  I HAVE MY OWN OPINION, I MAKE MY OWN CHOICES.  LEAVE ME ALONE! Monica  <3 Current Mood: angry Tags: anger

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August 18th, 2008

12:23 am - There's a part of me that wants it all to end, but the other part remembers the joy As the curtains open, memories are shown.  times when they were around others, the times they weren't alone.  As the audience applauds, she can only watch and cry.  They don't see the big picture.  They only see the lie.  she was used, abused, mistreated, confused.  she was little, afraid, with only innocence to lose.  Now the days she spends watching as the curtains are drawn, are the days she can't sleep from dusk until dawn.  The darkness of a life filled with stage lights and masks, is too much for a little girl to handle, is it too much to ask?  That she might get a break, let her innocence be kept.  And not imagine him creeping in her room as she slept.  But as she stands, crying in the crowd, watching the stage play, wishing her whispers were loud. she stops, looks up, to a place of peace.  And remembers the joy, and her soul is at ease. Sometimes, the memories are too much to handle on my own.  I can't stand remembering what happened, and the feeling of loneliness I get from it.  But when I start to remember the pain in my life, I also remember the joy.  I remember Jesus Christ as my Savior, as my hope.  I remember His love and His protection.  I remember His promise.  "As I was with Moses, I will be with thee" With love. Monica  <3 Current Mood: uncomfortable Tags: poem

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August 16th, 2008

11:21 pm - Going too far could result in loss of reality I can barely stand to speak, to hear my own voice.  Each day that comes by, I have to make a choice.  Wake up, or die in my sleep, wishing away the nightmares that dug so deep.  Lord, help me.  God, help me.  I've lost my way, with nowhere to go.  I can't stand to be blind, i have nothing to show.  Every time I go left, I was supposed to go right, every time I choose day it's already night.  Lord, help me.  God, help me.  I've got to find my soul again, search to find your face.  I've got to hear your call again, without it, I'm disgraced.  Lord, help me.  God, help me. Am I ever going to get a chance to speak my mind?  Or will I continue to put on this masquerade to fool others into thinking my painted smile is real?  Am I ever going to fix myself, or will I continue to fall slowly?  Until what should be a climb, is really a spiral? - downhill. Lord, help me.  God, help me. Monica  <3 Current Mood: depressed

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November 30th, 2007

04:50 pm - The End ~In the end, it will be okay.  If it's not okay, then it's not the end.~ So very true.  Had me in tears the first time I read it.  It's been on my mind lately, so I thought I'd post it.  To me, it means that in the end, I get an eternity with God!  It's all worth it, and I have that to look forward to. Hold me, God Much love, Monica  <3 Current Mood: calm

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November 27th, 2007

12:10 am - Today is yesterday, tomorrow is actually today. Technically, today is yesterday and I'm blogging on tomorrow which is actually today.  Anyway ... ummm ... So, lots of stuff happened today.  God made peace out of a situation that I thought got out of control when I tried to witness to someone at Taco Bell.  Someone else jumped in so the guy got really defensive and I apologized.  God made amends though, and we ended up talking about music and the things we enjoyed.  It was pretty sweet. God, I praise You for those things.  When you intervene and calm things. Being at Taco Bell with friends brought back memories of the old youth group.  I got a little upset, but then I remembered what God has done for us since the old youth group split apart.  It's alright, and I'm glad I remembered that.  But, this new youth group I'm starting to become a part of, along with my home youth group, is pretty awesome :-D  I love the people there and they're on fire for God :-D  And I see only few teens truly on fire in my HYG (home youth group) :-/  oh well, I'll survive :-D  God's got a plan!!! Lord, I praise You for showing me that I belong and that I am accepted!  Thank You for sending me love and support that surrounds me and shows me that I'm okay!!!  It's awesome how You send people in my life!!!  THANK YOU! And also, I'm worried about a friend that just gets further and further away from God.  He's been seeking Him - but something's wrong, and he's pulling away again. He was never originally saved or anything. ... it scares me because he doesn't want me to worry about him and doesn't think he should be loved ... it reminds me a lot of me, you guys ... God, I'm scared for him. PLEASE, break him - give him something that will make him see how much he needs You!!! Well, love you guys!  I'm doing okay homework and schoolwork wise!  YESS lol.  much love!!! Monica  <3 Current Mood: full of praises Current Music: My Praise - Phillips, Craig, and Dean

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November 25th, 2007

09:47 pm - And I pray...   I pray everyday that you can see how much I've changed.  When you see me, do you see who I used to be or who God has made me?   I hear the words other say to me - "I'm proud!" "You're great!" "I love to watch you worship - your love for the Lord shines." But you ... Nothing. "All you do is mess things up." "You could be so much better!" "You're a hypocrite!" "A liar!" Which do I believe? The ones who love me - or the one who's supposed to love me? You decide.  Show me you love me. Monica  <3 God, I pray right now that you can show me how to see HER as you see her.  As your child, as a human who is loved and deserves to be loved!  Help me see her as my mother - the one who deserves my respect, my love.  Help her to see You through me - not just my mistakes in my past. I love you, Serve You, and wish to Follow You forever! Love You, Lord, my Savior, Monica  <3 Current Mood: aggravated

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08:12 pm - Writer's Block: Sunday Songs What's your favorite music for a Sunday morning? View 500 Answers WORSHIP!  MY GOD deserves my worship and praise!!! Monica  <3 Current Mood: cheerful Tags: music, sunday songs, writer's block

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01:52 am - Bring me back Home This burden pushes me further from Your love.  My heart keeps running from the pain.  I'm not sure how to live, how to see things, or who to be.  I am only me.  I am only me.  The weights cause pressure and bring me down further.  I feel so alone - can't go on.  I'm scared to face my fears, scared to look ahead.  I'm scared of what I'll see.  But I'm only me. I'm only me. Dear God, I know we can fight anything, but I'm so weak!  I pray through this pain, away it needs to go!  I can't keep this burden weighin' me down - NO, i won't let it destroy me like it has in the past.  This sin must be discarded, put behind both you and me. Can we do it - together?  Together, can we fight this world and save the helpless?  We can, Lord.  But I am a mere Servant, so I pray you help me stay behind you and only obey your orders and follow You. I love you! Monica  <3 Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Forgive Me - Group 1 Crew Tags: christianity, prayer

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